On writing stories.

Your story... it has something to it.... something. I feel like it is an interesting thought, that did not get communicated fully. To communicate fully is not necessarily to explain everything or dot all i's -- it is to create a mental picture in the mind of the reader of the type you (explicitly or implicitly) want to create. It takes skill... or perhaps inborn talent. But mostly skill.

I could've advised to make your story plainer, simpler, more accessible -- for now, until you get a better hang of communicating in writing (I am not saying your writing is poor -- it is good. But writing a good story is hard). If you can not carry a complicated thought (or a mental picture in this case) through, the writing will be much better if it is simpler. Fraction of the thoughts. Shorter sentences. Clearly stated ideas. Reader will get more out if you successfully carry a simple idea to him, than if he wonders around in what could be a great story if you were a great writer. If I were a writing instructor, I perhaps would've given this advice.
But I won't. I'm not for writing the best post/story you can now, I am for trying to express your best ideas, and if it doesn't quite work, it doesn't quite work. A chance of a "great" quality far outvalues certainty of "good" quality. Perhaps I am selfish in that -- after all, while I can find other good stories, great ones are hard to find. But I don't believe in starting with "technical" skills, and then getting more creative. Yes, that is what will most likely work for a professional artist (I'll have to check with S. and get back on that). But it's not what I want to see.
Be incomprehensible. Try to express ideas that you can not fully express -- I'll ask for clarification/details. Or I won't. But yes, there is a potentially great story in what you've written... try another :)